Administrator's blog

In the garden of roses black.

'What was a demon but a lost soul, one that had been forced to use her skills to survive? She found sanctuary among them, escaped from the vines that tied her, ran far into the woods. She found a garden of black roses there, the perfect place to hide from the beings of the human world...'

-- Alice Hoffman, 'Iron'

Year VII featuring Anna Demarco and Leanna Banana



"Without the skin, beneath the storm, under these tears, the walls came down.  And the snake is drowned, and as I look in his eyes, my fear begins to fade recalling all of those times.  I should have cried then, I should have cried then.  And as the walls come down, and as I look in your eyes, my fear begins to fade recalling all of the times.  I have died, and will die.  It's all right, I don't mind."
-- Tool, H

Anna and I created images to commemorate my seventh year today. Thank you.
These mean more than words can describe.  


This is the only story

I'll ever be able to tell. 

Frost Moon November 25: Where truth resides.

Full "Frost Moon" in Gemini on November 25 urges us to see past the illusions of everyday life to the love that is the constant driving force behind all we are and all we do.

We often experience an overload of perception in our daily lives.  These variable sensations merge with erratic moods and racing thoughts to distort what is truly important to us.  Remember, there are things that are everlasting and things that can be taken with the wind.  We may become muddled and preoccupied with thoughts of the past and choices we've made as opposed to focusing on the present, and the powerful future before our eyes.  Today is the day where it all can change-- if we want it to.  The path to a happier and simpler life lies right in front of us, if we have eyes of discernment to illuminate what is right.  

Use the energy of this moon to listen more and react less.  Practice patience with yourself and others to determine where the truth resides for you.  Use the light within to guide your way to the love that is ever-present.  

: : :


"I see something in your eyes...  Twinkling and glimmering and alive in there...
But first, we need to pull it out of all that mud--
We need to clean off all the darkness and sadness of your past."

sirenum scopuli

(i poured my sorrows into the ocean.

nothing can come in unless i let it in;

nothing is getting in here.)


anyone who declares another beautiful
without first knowing it to its core

is a fool 

for equating
aesthetic charms
with a pure heart.

perhaps it has
a black seed 

in the center of its chest.

Night here

The stars shone above me in the trees
as jewels embedded in the leaves.
Forever I would live under this canopy,
catching the wind in my hand.


sweet lolita

I noticed the way they looked at me,
even when I was a young girl.
Being warm wasn't an option,
I didn't wish to be inviting.
If they thought I was frozen,
they'd be afraid to touch me.



Teach you patient diligence.

"Tempest mornings"

I remember there existed a time
when it wasn't so complicated 
as this, 
the stars never asked me to 
name all the ways
that I loved you. 
It just was, 
it couldn't be reasoned
or explained
(and especially not so
in this feeble
human language).



Dreaming in plumeria blossoms.


'At the still point, there the dance is'

"At the still point of the turning world.
Neither flesh nor fleshless;
Neither from nor towards;
at the still point,
there the dance is" 

-- T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets



"This is your second chance...
You want to make the best of it."


"My heartbeat; the tide; the stars above."

11/12/15 4:56 a.m.

'The night sky here is unbelievable. Something sacred that should only be witnessed and never articulated; even if the language were available at my fingertips, I would choose to go without.

My heartbeat; the tide; the stars above.'

Capture by a friend. 




1. (rare) shy, modest, bashful; especially because of a lack of self-confidence



diffident, doubting, doubtful, hesitant, humble, insecure, meek, reticent, self-effacing, self-conscious, shrinking, timid, timorous, unassertive, unassuming, uncertain, unconfident, unsure;

word origin:

from latin verēcundus diffident, from verērī to fear

(I'm no longer sad but still I think of you.)

I won't find you anywhere, not anymore, 
but in the halls of my own memory. 



Rain shower so loud it stirred me from sleep;
my dreams suspended in unseen time. 


Scatter me amongst the stars.

"For some reason or another, the powers that be have spared your life so that you can prove to them what they already know about yourself."

Those were my thoughts this waking morning.  At first, I was thinking about how cool the air was and how warm the ocean was, and how when you're awake at night when everyone else is dreaming, it's a different type of alive you feel. 

I witness magic when the remainder of the world is at rest.  Every morning when I venture out into the black abyss, the same thoughts come to my consciousness.  I feel blessed and at ease and dutiful all at once.  I close my eyes and I feel myself descending into the sea, the waves blue and black and mysterious, soaking into my skin and pulling me under. I surrender with no hesitation, because I know that it is here that I belong, dwelling beneath the human world, keeping in time with the stars and the waves and moonlight all in its glorious splendor.  I feel at home in my watery nest, stargazing from within the core of the earth, from the womb where all life began.  It's not the same as the world in which you dwell, here I am not afraid.  I know I can return home anytime I want to, because home is all around me.   All at once, I close my eyes and I dissolve, dispersed like a million satellites, going every which way and direction at once, all swallowed and drunk by the ocean.  My body is no longer, but so shall it be... 
I was never meant to be confined; I was meant to be scattered. 



"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy;
for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves.
We must die to one life before we can enter another."


Everything bloomed around me, everything bloomed within me.

'I remained in the place where I last saw you.  It was night, and then morning, and then night once again.  A decade passed and then a hundred years.  I stood there under the moon and the stars and I watched and I waited.  Green leaves turned yellow, then orange, then gold, then green again.  The old maple tree that had cradled me as a child was pushed down by the storm.  I saw lightning in the sky, I saw stars burn and collide in the heavens.  I saw lives begin, graves dug, snow covered forests.  I felt the ghosts around me and their breaths on my cheek, I felt their icy fingertips in my hair and on my body, I heard their whispers.  I stood there so long that time went backward.  There was the red fox.  There was the rose garden in the lake.  Everything bloomed around me, everything bloomed within me.  I was a girl with long strawberry hair watching you walk across the water towards me.  When you finally recognized me, only a minute had passed.'

fine art by BT Borchard
with Leanna Banana



(noun) A German untranslatable word, vorfreude is defined as the intense euphoric sensation you experience from thinking about future plans and daydreams. This beautiful feeling is a natural reaction the human mind manifests from expectations of future pleasures and joyful anticipations, such as planning a trip, going on a date, and many other fulfilling, life-changing events. 


For my friends on facebook:

I'd like to take a moment and thank those of you little flowers who took the time out of your busy schedules to visit with me as of recent...  It means very much to know that I am surrounded by dear friends, and I cherish the time that we spent together. 

As many of you know, I have been living in Southern California for the majority of this past year.  This most recent trip back to New England is going to be my last for a while, as I have decided to make California my new home. 

I have discovered many happy surprises here; many of which I wasn't even aware that I had been searching for.  I am beyond pleased to embrace this new chapter of my life with absolute certainty.  I am sending my love and thank yous to those individuals who have made a positive impact on my life thus far.  I couldn't have come as far as I have if it weren't for the love and friendship of all of you, for which I am grateful beyond words. 

I will no longer be using this account, however I will keep it open temporarily for those who wish to keep in touch.  
I love you all!  I bid you adieu for now, but I will surely carry you with me.


"If you understood everything I said,

you would be me."

--Miles Davis

"If you are in the garden; I will dress myself in leaves."

'Norma Jeane' by Andre de Dienes

"If you are in the garden, I will dress myself in leaves.
If you are in the sea, I will slide into that
smooth blue nest, I will talk fish, I will adore salt."



and the day came when

the risk to remain in a tight bud

was more painful than the risk it took

to blossom


vixen scream

I set fire to your letter,
but I still remember everything it said.


All Souls

'She curled up on the bed and thought about the otherworld. One of the demons tugged on her sleeve. A tiny lost creature with wings the color of blood. Human beings had been just as cruel to the demons as they had been to her. She pitied them and she pitied herself. If only she hadn't been stolen from her true life, she could have been happy. She let the demon lie down beside her, the poor, sweet thing. She let it crawl under her skin...'
-- Alice Hoffman, "Iron"

Capture by Andrew P Gibson
featuring Leanna Banana



I've been so tired, sleeping all the night.

Fever dreams  


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